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Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It’s a sign of insecurity. An abuser may accuse a victim of flirting or be jealous of the time that the victim spends with friends or family. Controlling Behavior: At first, a batterer may say that controlling behavior comes from concern. The abuser may be angry if a partner is late returning home. A batterer may question his partner about where she went or who she talked to while she was gone. As the relationship continues, this type of behavior will worsen. The victim may no longer be allowed to make personal decisions without the permission of the abuser. Quick Involvement: Many victims date their abusers for less than six months before becoming engaged or moving in together. Abusers come on strong and claim “love at first sight.” Abusers often say flattering things such as, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to.” Or “I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” A batterer needs a partner desperately and may pressure a victim to commit. Unrealistic Expectations: Batterers are often very dependent on their partners for all needs. “If you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need,” they may say. Victims are supposed to take care of their abusers’ needs.Isolation: Abusers often try to prevent victims from seeing friends and family. If victims have friends of the opposite sex, abusers say they’re cheating. If they are with friends of the same sex, they are accused of being gay. If they spend too much time with family, they are accused of being tied to apron strings. Abusers may not let their victim work, use the phone, go to school or use a car. Blames Others For Problems: If an abuser can’t keep a job, someone else is always the cause. If the abuser makes mistakes, it’s the victim’s fault.Blames Others For Feelings: “You make me angry.” “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.” “I can’t help being angry.” An abuser is the person who makes the decision about how he or she feels and thinks, but will use blame to try to manipulate the victim. Hypersensitivity: Abusers often get their feelings hurt very easily and may claim that feelings are hurt when they are really angry. With an abuser, everything appears to be a personal attack. An abuser may rant and rave when asked to work late or help with chores. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Abusers may have a history of hurting animals and do not care about their pain or suffering. Abusers may expect children to do things they are not yet able to do. For example, an abuser might spank a two-year-old for wetting a diaper or tease a small child for crying. Playful Use of Force: Abusers may like to throw and hold their partner down against their will. They may not accept the word, “no.” The idea of rape sometimes excites them. There may be little concern about what their partner wants.Verbal Abuse: Many batterers constantly criticize their partners or say cruel, hurtful things. They may curse, call their partner ugly names or degrade their accomplishments. They may enjoy verbally abusing their partners in front of other people.Rigid Roles for Men/Women: According to the typical abuser, men are supposed to be in control, and women should be submissive. Women must serve and obey men in all things. The man is the head of the household.Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser’s sudden changes in mood; one minute they are loving, and the next explosive with anger.Past Battering: Abusers may admit to hitting partners in the past but claim that they were made to do it by their victims or situations. Threats of Violence: “I’ll break your neck!” “I’ll kill you!” In a healthy relationship, one partner does not threaten the other with such violent statements. An abuser may try to excuse this behavior by saying, “Everybody talks like that.” Disrespects Others: An abuser may enjoy exercising his or her control over others. He or she may treat waiters or waitresses poorly or put down family members or people at work.Breaks Personal Property: Abusers often break objects loved by their victims as punishment. Abusers may throw objects near or at their victims.Does Not Respect Privacy: Abusers often “kiss and tell.” They may threaten to spread rumors about their victims such as, “If you leave, I’ll tell your friends (family, boss, etc) that we had sex on the first date.” |
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